Ask any old head what’s wrong with the game today and they’ll be happy to tell you, “too much one on one stuff.” They fail to realize that in this day of multi-million dollar endorsements, deadspin comments, and worrying about how good EA made their likeness in NBA Live, players have an unprecedented pressure to make a name for themselves. So when it came time to figure out who to use in this who’s who of point guards, I wanted to make sure their stats off the court were considered as well. Because lets face it, Jordan wouldn’t be everybody’s GOAT without contributing the best looking sneakers in the history of man. Ok, that’s not true, he’s obviously the nicest, but for the sake of this article I figured I’d spare the 4th quarter FT% stats and talk a little more about the extra curriculars.

If you’ve played basketball at some point in your life you know that if your stuck with 3 people the game to play is 21. For the sake of this entry, I’ll be using 6 categories and whoever gets first place for a category is awarded 5 points. Second place gets 3 points and third gets 2. First person to 21 wins.
 
 
 

*** THE CONTESTANTS ***

*** COMMERCIALS ***

Since all three of these guys are endorsed by Nike (Paul is with Jordan Brand, a Nike subsidiary) each has gotten a turn appearing in their own drama on a hundred thousand trillion sneaker advertisement. So who does the best job at making me invest my feelings and therefore my money in the product they’re selling?

3rd

I know kids that have to sweep the court every mourning to clear off the used syringes that dope fiends left behind, that story about an imaginary snake did nothing for me.
 

2nd

Shit felt too european from the music to the part where he talks about accentuating another dude.
 

1st

Jordan Brand wisely left out any shots of Chris Paul’s new sneaker (more on that later) and just hit us over the head with sentimentality.
 
 
 

*** RAP LYRICS ***

Rappers have long felt the need to name drop their favorite athletes which, thank god, is not nearly as annoying as athletes who feel the need to become rappers.

3rd
It’s worth mentioning the homie Deron’s at an unfair advantage when it comes to getting a name drop because any word that rhymes with his name also rhymes with LeBron and guess which player MC’s are going with these days?

2nd
Before I even researched this category I felt Chris was a Most Valuable Player award away from every rapper claiming they’re the M.V.P. like CP3. Then I found out Luda already went and sounded his usual dorky self doing so, making Chris Paul mentions officially over.

Ludacris – M.V.P.

Cam’Ron – Get Em Daddy

*** MONEY ***

Making more money than somebody else always counts for something. In this case it gets you 5 points.

3rd
Steve Nash: 5 year $65M = $13M/yr

2nd
Chris Paul: 4 year $68M = $17M/yr

1st
Deron Williams: 4 year $70M = $17.5M/yr
 
 
 

*** FOOTWEAR ***

This was actually a tough category for me to judge, but for all the wrong reasons. Instead of me trying to figure out which shoe I’d want to buy a matching fitted for, I was just trying to determine which was the lesser of three evils. I guess the only good news about these sneakers is you’ll have no problems finding your size in stock. Zing!

3rd
Deron doesn’t have his own signature shoe, but he does get player exclusives made for him by Nike and these are the sneakers he wears on the court. Right away it’s obvious this sneaker is a rip off of the Air Jordan XI. How somebody managed to take a sleek sillouette that made the patent leather work on the XI’s and turn it into the Rocky Mountain Range looking midsole showcased on the Zoom Phenoms is the type of mistake that should end a sneaker designing career. In fact, if you removed the Nike check, I would’ve thought they were a PayLess knock-off.

2nd
And while we’re on the topic of knock-off’s, it’s come to light Jordan Brand has made a conscious effort to deter the manufacturing of fakes by incorporating intricate textiles and patterns into their new sneakers. The problem with this is the false sense of accomplishment that comes with failing to realize the real reason the demand in fakes went down has less to do with hard to find plastics and much more to do with the fact these are fucking ugly. The CP3′s biggest problem is they scream basketball sneaker which means they’ll look horrible with anything other than basketball shorts.

3rd
Which leaves me with Steve Nash’s signature shoe. Turns out he’s a big fan of the Air Max 90 (who isn’t?) and went ahead and incorporated some elements of that classic shoe into his own model. Something about them is kind of off, in a running shoe meets basketball sneaker kind of way, but the color scheme here goes a long way.

 
 
 

*** OTHER HALF ***

Nobody on here is really gettin it in like Marko Jaric but each do a pretty good job highlighting why it’s good to be young, rich, and a famous ball player.

3rd

She’s hot in a Milf Hunter kinda way I guess

2nd

She reminds me a little of Russels’ niece Angela. He should’ve went for a Vanessa. Bow Wow still lost though.

1st

Nothing says I made it like a wholesome white chick on your arm. The pic (from a costume party) may not be the greatest, but she’s a frequent topic of discussion on Jazz messageboards which speaks volumes considering the unmatched level of perverseness to be expected on a website frequented by people from Utah.
 
 
 

*** ON THE COURT ***

Finally the easy part. Numbers don’t lie right? Only problem is Nash already had 8 seasons worth of stats on the back of his trading card before CP3 and D-Will were even drafted, rendering my calculator useless. So I’m forced to take things like quality of teammates and impact on winning games into consideration when making sense of all their stats. Here goes.

3rd
Despite being drafted 3rd, one pick ahead of Chris Paul, his numbers are slightly lower across the board compared to CP3′s. That’s not to say the Jazz would’ve been better off picking Paul, because Deron’s impact was positive right from the start. He was able to take a Jazz team, that lost 30 games more than they won the season before, to a 500 team in his rookie year, putting up 16ppg and 9.3apg. He already has been given the green light by Coach Sloan to call his own plays, which is damn near amazing considering Stockton never had that privilege. He took the 06-07 Jazz to the Western Conference Finals in his first trip to the playoffs and took last years team to a game 6 against the Lakers in the semi’s. And you rappers still refuse to acknowledge the kid?

2nd
This was by far the closest category and I have a feeling if I were writing this a year or two from now, Paul would be the guy to beat. It’s scary to see 20+ppg, 10+apg, 3+stealspg next to a players name when said player still has another few years before even flirting with his prime. Nobody is a better fit at point for your fantasy team. He took a team that won around 1/5th of their games to a team that nearly won half (38-44) in his first year with New Orleans. That earned him rookie of the year honors, something nobody else in this discussion can claim. Now the Hornets are the team out West nobody wants to face in the playoffs because that’s when some good players’ have a history of becoming great. CP3 is that kind of player.

1st
If I remember correctly there were a few imbeciles trying to argue that Steve Nash’s first MVP award was a fluke so Steve went and got himself another the following year. The only other point guard to do that… Magic Johnson. And what’s impressive about winning two MVP’s on the surface, is unbelievable once you dig a little. In 05-06 the Suns lost two all-stars, Stoudemire to injury and Joe Johnson to a trade with Atlanta. Nash was now part of a whole new starting 5 made up of relative unknowns and still maintained a double double for the season, maintained 1st place for the Phoenix Suns, and maintained his reign as league MVP. Now try and imagine where the 05-06 Phoenix suns would’ve ended up without Nash.
 
 
 
*** RESULTS ***

If you’ve been keeping score at home you know that we’ve arrived at a winner

*DRUMROLL*

1st Place
Steve Nash with 22 points

2nd Place
Chris Paul with 20 points

3rd Place
Deron Williams with 18 points

There! That settles things.